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Tim: Sam, I hear you just got married again.
Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.
Tim: What happened to your first three wives?
Sam: They all died, Tim.
Tim: How did that happen?
Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: How terrible! And your second?
Sam: She ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Tim: I see; an accident.
Sam: Not exactly. She was not eating her mushrooms.
It was Saturday morning as Steve, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Steve asks her: “What are you up to?”
Alice smiles: “I`m going hunting with you!”
Steve, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Steve sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I`ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot”
Steve walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn`t bag an elephant–much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Steve starts running back. As he gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!”
Confused, Steve races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Steve is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor`s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don`t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don`t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don`t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“You`re going to die,” she replied.
A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a “lovers point” where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her,
“Do you want to get into the back seat?”
“NO!” she answered.
Okay, he thought, may be she`s not ready yet.
Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again,
“Do you want to get into the back seat?”
“NO!” she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they`re both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.
“Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?” he asks again.
“NO!” she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands, “Well, why not!”
“Because I want to stay up here with you!”
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