There was a young person named Ned,
Who dined before going to bed,
On lobster and ham
And salad and jam,
Archive for April, 2009
Gluttony – 50th Edition
Wednesday, April 8th, 2009Fighting Jokes – 49th Edition
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009A pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered broiled live lobster. When the waiter put it on the table it was obviously minus one claw. The pessimistic young man promptly kicked. The waiter said it was unavoidable—there had been a fight in the kitchen between two lobsters. The other one had torn off one of the claws of this lobster and had eaten it. The young man pushed the lobster over toward the waiter. “Take it away,” he said wearily, “and bring me the winner.”
By Jones
Short Funny Jokes – Teachers – 48th Edition
Monday, April 6th, 2009“Why did you break your engagement with that school teacher?”
“If I failed to show up at her house every evening, she expected me to bring a written excuse signed by my mother.”
By Jones
Employers and Employees Funny Jokes – 47th Edition
Sunday, April 5th, 2009Outside his own cleverness there is nothing that so delights Mr. Wiggins as a game of baseball, and when he gets a chance to exploit the two, both at the same time, he may be said to be the happiest man in the world. Hence it was that the other day, when little red headed Willie Mulligan, his office boy, came sniffing into his presence to ask for the afternoon off that he might attend his grandfather’s funeral, Wiggins deemed it a masterly stroke to answer:
Clean Funny Jokes – Golf – 46th Edition
Saturday, April 4th, 2009Doctor William S. Rainsford is an inveterate golf player. When he was rector of St. George’s Church, in New York City, he was badly beaten on the links by one of his vestrymen. To console the clergyman the vestryman ventured to say: “Never mind, Doctor, you’ll get satisfaction some day when I pass away. Then you’ll read the burial service over me.”
Funny jokes, naughty women jokes, doctor patient jokes : The Embarrassing problem
Friday, April 3rd, 2009The Embarrassing problem
A woman goes to see the doctor and says, “Doc, I’ve got a very embarrassing problem. I was playing with my vibrator last night and I’ve got the whole thing stuck inside me!”
“Don’t worry,” says the doc, “We’ll soon get it out of you.”
“Get in out?” says the woman, “I don’t want you to get it out. I just want you to change the batteries.”
Funny jokes, funny health jokes : WHO
Friday, April 3rd, 2009WHO
Did you hear about the World Health Organization’s new publicity campaign?
Apparently they’ve chosen the slogan, “WHO Cares”
In a second campaign specific to African farm sanitation. They’re delivering 20 million tons of clean fertilizer and using the slogan “WHO Gives A Shit!”
Really Funny Jokes – Chicken Stealing – 45th Edition
Friday, April 3rd, 2009Henry E. Dixey met a friend one afternoon on Broadway.
“Well, Henry,” exclaimed the friend, “you are looking fine! What do they feed you on?”
Funny lover jokes, Funny jokes, funny couple jokes, husband wife jokes : Young Couple
Wednesday, April 1st, 2009Young lovers
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he’s back inside, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and say, “Man! My hands are really freezing!”
She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.” He does, and again that helps.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “God Damn, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
(4.00 out of 5)
