Very Funny Jokes

“Dear teacher,” wrote little Johnny’s mother, “kindly excuse John’s absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing the same you will greatly oblige his mother.”

By Jones

Among the youngsters belonging to a colege settlement in a New England city was one little girl who returned to her humble home with glowing accounts of the new teacher.  Read more... (83 words, 11 images, estimated 20 secs reading time)

“Friend,” said one immigrant to another, “this is a grand country to settle in. They don’t hang you here for murder.”  Read more... (42 words, 11 images, estimated 10 secs reading time)

“What’s up old man; you look as happy as a lark!”

“Happy? Why shouldn’t I look happy? No more hard, weary work by yours truly. I’ve got eight kids and I’m going to move to Alabama.”

By Jones

James J. Hill, the Railway King, told the following amusing incident that happened on one of his roads:  Read more... (165 words, 11 images, estimated 40 secs reading time)

To modernize an old prophecy, “out of the mouths of babes shall come much worldly wisdom.” Mr. K. has two boys whom he dearly loves. One day he gave each a dollar to spend. After much bargaining, they brought home a wonderful four-wheeled steamboat and a beautiful train of cars. For awhile the transportation business flourished, and all was well, but one day Craig explained to his father that while business had been good, he could do much better if he only had the capital to buy a train of cars like Joe’s. His arguments must have been good, for the money was forthcoming. Soon after, little Toe, with probably less logic but more loving, became possessed of a dollar to buy a steamboat like Craig’s. But Mr. K., who had furnished the additional capital, looked in vain for the improved service. The new rolling stock was not in evidence, and explanations were vague and unsatisfactory, as is often the case in the railroad game at which men play. It took a stern court of inquiry to develop the fact that the railroad and steamship had simply changed hands—and at a mutual profit of one hundred per cent. And Mr. K., as he told his neighbor, said it was worth that much to know that his boys would not need much of a legacy from him.

By Jones

A farmer returning home late at night, found a man standing beside the house with a lighted lantern in his hand. “What are you doing here?” he asked, savagely, suspecting he had caught a criminal. For answer came a chuckle, and—”It’s only mee, zur.”  Read more... (110 words, 11 images, estimated 26 secs reading time)

“Senator, why don’t you unpack your trunk? You’ll be in Washington for six years.”

“I don’t know about that. My state has the recall.”

By Jones

Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion, asked him the meaning of the command “Halt!” “Why,” said Mike, “when he says ‘Halt,’ you just bring the foot that’s on the ground to the side av the foot that’s in the air, an’ remain motionless.”

By Jones

“Shine yer boots, sir?”

“No,” snapped the man.

“Shine ‘em so’s yer can see yer face in ‘em?” urged the bootblack.  Read more... (32 words, 11 images, estimated 8 secs reading time)