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“A great deal of fun has been poked at the realistic school of art,” says a New York artist, “and it must be confessed that some ground has been given to the enemy. Why, there recently came to my notice a picture of an Assyrian bath, done by a Chicago man, and so careful was he of all the details that the towels hanging up were all marked ‘Nebuchadnezzar’ in the corner, in cuneiform characters.”
By Jones
Saddam’s message
Saddam gets a coded message from President Bush. It reads: 370HSSV-0773H
Saddam is stumped and sends for the Republican Guard. They can’t understand it, so he sends for the Secret Police. They suggest turning the paper upside down.
“Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that black eye?” asked the magistrate.
GOLFER (unsteadied by Christmas luncheon) to Opponent—
“Sir, I wish you clearly to understand that I resent your unwarrant—your interference with my game, sir! Tilt the green once more, sir, and I chuck the match.”
By Jones
A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last she made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at the schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the largest three boys of her class were sitting on the doorstep of the schoolhouse, and by six o’clock every boy in the school and four of the directors were waiting for her to arrive.
By Jones
Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour. As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock:
“Does de white folks in youah neighborhood keep eny chickens, Br’er Rastus?”
“Well, Br’er Johnsing, mebbe dey does keep a few.”
By Jones
Cooling Swimming
The weather was very hot, so a guy desperately wants to take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming costume, but who cares? He was alone. So, he undresses and gets into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool
swimming, a pair of old ladies walks onto the shore in his direction.
He panics, get out of the water and grabs an old bucket. As he holds the bucket in front of his privates he sighed with relief.
As the ladies get nearby they look at him and smile. Then one of them says, “You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.”
“Impossible,” says the embarrassed man, “You really know what I’m thinking?”
“Yes,” the lady replies, “I know that you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom in it.”
Three nuns are on a long train journey. To pass the time decide to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun says, “My greatest sin is se x. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitu te. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box.”
The second nun says, “My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week.”
The third nun says that’s fascinating. “My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can’t wait to get off this train!”
“Children,” said the teacher, instructing the class in composition, “you should not attempt any flights of fancy; simply be yourselves and write what is in you. Do not imitate any other person’s writings or draw inspiration from outside sources.”
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Everything Funny
