Translator
By N2H
Jul
2
In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the cultivators of the land would be in a bad way indeed, the light rains that during the growing season fall from time to time, are appreciated to a degree that is unknown in the east.
Last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards was rejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture, when his hired man came into the house.
“Why don’t you stay in out of the rain?” asked the fruit-man.
“I don’t mind a little dew like this,” said the man. “I can work along just the same.”
“Oh, I’m not talking about that,” exclaimed the fruit-man. “The next time it rains, you can come into the house. I want that water on the land.”
By Jones
Jul
1
Two old cronies went into a drug store in the downtown part of New York City, and, addressing the proprietor by his first name, one of them said:
“Dr. Charley, we have made a bet of the ice-cream sodas. We will have them now and when the bet is decided the loser will drop in and pay for them.”
As the two old fellows were departing after enjoying their temperance beverage, the druggist asked them what the wager was.
“Well,” said one of them, “our friend George bets that when the tower of the Singer Building falls, it will topple over toward the North River, and I bet that it won’t.”
By Jones
Jun
30
Joke of the Day - Diet - 112th Edition
Filed Under Funny Jokes | Leave a Comment
The doctor told him he needed carbohydrates, proteids, and above all, something nitrogenous. The doctor mentioned a long list of foods for him to eat. He staggered out and wabbled into a Penn avenue restaurant.
“How about beefsteak?” he asked the waiter. “Is that nitrogenous?”
The waiter didn’t know.
“Are fried potatoes rich in carbohydrates or not?”
The waiter couldn’t say.
“Well, I’ll fix it,” declared the poor man in despair. “Bring me a large plate of hash.”
By Jones
Jun
29
Humor Jokes - Age - 111th Edition
Filed Under Funny Jokes | Leave a Comment
The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors, and the no less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, were together, several years ago, at West Point. Dr. Bigelow was then ninety-two, and Dr. Mitchell eighty.
The conversation turned to the subject of age. “I attribute my many years,” said Dr. Bigelow, “to the fact that I have been most abstemious. I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and have taken little exercise.”
“It is just the reverse in my case,” explained Dr. Mitchell. “I have eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have always used tobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken a great deal of exercise.”
With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at Eighty-Years and said, “Well, you will never live to be an old man!”
By Jones
Jun
28
“Mother,” asked the little one, on the occasion of a number of guests being present at dinner, “will the dessert hurt me, or is there enough to go round?”
By Jones
Jun
27
The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is, the neighbors say, a precocious youngster; at all events, she knows the ways of the world.
Her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for a particularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over very solemnly sent the little girl up to her room.
An hour later the mother went upstairs. The child was sitting complacently on the window seat, looking out at the other children.
“Well, little girl,” the mother began, “did you tell God all about how naughty you’d been?”
The youngster shook her head, emphatically. “Guess I didn’t,” she gurgled; “why, it’d be all over heaven in no time.”
By Jones
Jun
26
Once, while Bishop Talbot, the giant “cowboy bishop,” was attending a meeting of church dignitaries in St. Paul, a tramp accosted a group of churchmen in the hotel porch and asked for aid.
“No,” one of them told him, “I’m afraid we can’t help you. But you see that big man over there?” pointing to Bishop Talbot.
“Well, he’s the youngest bishop of us all, and he’s a very generous man. You might try him.”
The tramp approached Bishop Talbot confidently. The others watched with interest. They saw a look of surprise come over the tramp’s face. The bishop was talking eagerly. The tramp looked troubled. And then, finally, they saw something pass from one hand to the other. The tramp tried to slink past the group without speaking, but one of them called to him:
“Well, did you get something from our young brother?”
The tramp grinned sheepishly. “No,” he admitted, “I gave him a dollar for his damned new cathedral at Laramie!”
By Jones
Jun
25
In China when the subscriber rings up exchange the operator may be expected to ask:
“What number does the honorable son of the moon and stars desire?”
“Hohi, two-three.”
Silence. Then the exchange resumes.
“Will the honorable person graciously forgive the inadequacy of the insignificant service and permit this humbled slave of the wire to inform him that the never-to-be-sufficiently censured line is busy?”
By Jones
Jun
24
“Malachi,” said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, “you know all about this law. Tell me what I am to do.”
“Well,” said the other, “I don’t remember the exact wording of the law, but I can give you the meaning of it. It’s this: The government is willin’ to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of land against fourteen dollars that you can’t live on it five years without starving to death.”
By Jones
Jun
22
Funny Jokes - Equality - 105th Edition
Filed Under Funny Jokes | Leave a Comment
As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the other day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. “Clear out of the way with that old mud scow!” shouted an officer on the bridge.
A round, sun-browned face appeared over the cabin hatchway. “Are ye the captain of that vessel?”
“No,” answered the officer.
“Then spake to yer equals. I’m the captain o’ this!” came from the barge.
By Jones